Friday, December 5, 2008

Man D'oeuvres

Okay I'm back, and just in time for the holidays, I bring you: Man Oeuvres. This is one of those snacks that if you're not careful you'll end up eating the entire entree yourself and then you'll feel like a loser. So make sure you have at least one other person around to share this with. This is incredibly easy to make. Here's what you need:

Crackers: I used Ritz this go around but I also use Triscuits and Wheat thins.

Cream Cheese: Any brand will do

Rose City Pepperheads Jelly: Any flavor will do. I used Apricot with Attitude

First you set a block of cream cheese out on a plate and let it get a little soft. Or if you're in a hurry, you can stick it in the microwave for a few seconds to soften it.
Next you spoon your favorite flavor of Rose City Pepperheads Jelly on top of the cream cheese.
Now you're done and can start dipping crackers into the spread.
The jelly is what really makes this great. My sister in law introduced me to the Rose City Pepperhead Jelly company a few years ago and I've been hooked ever since. Whenever she visits from Oregon she brings me a few jars and I love her for it. The peppers give this a sweet and picante bite that is immediately cooled a bit by the cream cheese. So those of you who are inexperienced in the way of the pepper won't suffer.
This snack can pull double duty for you. It's great for watching the game and it's equally good for impressing your wife when she's preparing a more formal dinner party. Enjoy!

Monday, October 27, 2008


Hey America,

This is just an update on the blog. Bad news: my camera has been down. Good news: I just fixed it. So I have a ton of content ready to be posted soon.

Coming up, I'll be reviewing my favorite M.R.E.'s (Meals Ready to Eat), Demonstrating some cool and unusual things you can do to microwave popcorn and much more!

More good news: My wonderful wife is due to give birth to our third child any moment now, so there may be some down time associated with that. Good thing the camera's fixed!

Check back for more great information!

Yours Truly,

The Culinary Cro-Magnon

Friday, October 3, 2008

The Cro-Magon's Bean Dip

Okay world, this recipe turns out some freaking awesome bean dip.

WARNING: make sure you have a friend or family member eat this with you, otherwise you won't be able to stop yourself from eating the entire thing. As good as this is going to taste, you don't want to eat the entire thing.

Here's what you need:
1 can of refried beans
Monterrey Jack Cheese
Fresh Salsa
Tapatio hot sauce
1/2 a package of cream cheese
For best results you're going to have to do some prep before you start cooking anything.
First shred the cheese. You want to shred a man sized fist amount of cheese. What's a man sized fist you ask? It's the size of your fist partially open as if it's holding a baseball. That's just one example of how we measure ingredients in the Cro-Magnon's kitchen y'all.
Next, remove the cream cheese from the box but keep it in its foil wrapper and cut it in half. Put the half you're not going to use back in the box and put it in the fridge.
Now you're ready to start cooking stuff. Empty the can of refried beans and it's accompanying juices into a pot.

Add about a finger tip's length of water to the pot. Don't ask me why, just do it.

Now turn up the heat on the stove (medium high) and start mashing the beans up with whatever heat resistant cooking utensil you can find. It's important to keep stirring the beans throughout the entire cooking operation. If you don't, they'll burn and stick to the bottom of the pot and you'll get in trouble with your wife.

Once you get the beans mashed up pretty good, go ahead and dump in that half block of cream cheese (make sure you take it out of the foil first), and mix it in. You may have to mash up the cream cheese as you mix it depending on how soft the cream cheese was when you added it to the beans. Don't worry though, it will start melting pretty fast once you put it in. REMEMBER TO KEEP STIRRING!!!

Once you have the cream cheese melted pretty good and mixed throughout the beans, add the cheese into the mix. KEEP STIRRING.

After the cheese is melted, add 3 heaping spoonfuls of fresh salsa. KEEP STIRRING.

Now that you've got the salsa mixed in good, it's time to add the secret awesome ingredient: Tapatio hot sauce.

Put in as much as you like. If you don't want it hot then don't put in a lot. KEEP STIRRING. Mix it all in until all you see is the creamy light brown of the beans.

When everything is mixed in nice, remove from heat, pour in a bowl, and enjoy!

My bean dip can be enjoyed hot or cold.

Now it's important to note that there are some alternative ingredients for those of you who don't like hot, spicy, picante, etc. bean dip. Instead of fresh salsa you can opt for a mild canned salsa like Pace Picante sauce or whatever generic brand is available. If even that's too spicy for you, go with good old Ketchup. It may sound gross using ketchup but you need that tomato flavoring in there for the end result. I've had it both ways and it's great either way. Lose the Tapatio too if you can't take the heat.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Behind The Blog: The Culinary Cro-Magnon Story

I've received a few emails asking me why I started this site. Click on the following links to read some of my more embarrassing escapades in the kitchen. These are the colossal failures that led me to create this blog and chronicle my culinary deeds or misdeeds in the kitchen.

Lonesome Diet
Insane In The Membrane
Cooking With Jake
He's At It Again

The mission of this blog is to glorify the simple food that men make to satisfy their immediate hunger while at the same time attempting to prove to my wife that I can follow a recipe and not burn down the kitchen.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The Tortilla Tuna Melt

I created the Tortilla Tuna Melt a while ago in an attempt to eat something healthy. I'm not sure exactly how healthy this is but it tastes great.

Here's what you need:
2 cans of Tuna
1 Tortilla
Cheddar cheese

Empty the water out of the tuna cans and then put the tuna in a bowl. Add a large spoonful of mayo to the tuna and mix it up.

Now "cut the cheese."

Put the sliced cheese on the open tortilla and start warming it up.

Once the tortilla becomes softer and warm, spoon the tuna mixture onto one side of the tortilla.
Now fold over the tortilla and continue to cook it until both sides are golden brown.

NOTE: This will require that you flip the Tortilla Tuna Melt over on each side in order to cook

Once you've cooked both sides evenly, remove the Tortilla Tuna Melt from heat and enjoy!

The Delgado Slim

All right, I want to thank Juan Carlos Yanez for working so hard 9 years ago to convince me to try his wonderful creation, which I have since named: The Delgado Slim.

Here's what you need people:
One hot dog (I used a ball park frank because they're endorsed by his airness himself Michael Jordan and yes, you will jump higher if you eat this hot dog).
One tortilla
Some cheese (I used medium Cheddar).

First, select your dog and place it on a microwave safe plate. Microwave that frank for 30 seconds.
While you're microwaving the dog, shred some cheese.

When your dog comes out of the microwave it may look a little deformed, like when Bruce Banner turns into the Incredible Hulk. Don't worry it just makes it more manly and full of flavor that way.
Now take the dog and place it on the tortilla towards one side. Cover it with the shredded cheese and microwave the whole thing for 30 more seconds.

This may look weird but trust me, it's awesome.

Remove it form the microwave and add a line of ketchup parallel to the dog, roll that sucker up, and enjoy!
Now there is one known variation to the Delgado Slim. If you use Bar S brand Turkey Dog, it becomes a Gordo Fatty Monstro. I lived off of the Delgado Slim for 3 months in the bad part of El Paso Texas. I love this food!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Shout Out To All The Mormon Mommies

I just want to give a shout out to all my Mormon Mommies (lol no polygamist joke intended in there) for adding me to their web ring/conglomerate/group/etc. They even created a new category just for me! Check them out by clicking on the Mormon Mommies button on the left side of my site. Thanks Mommies, much love to ya.

Root Beer Brats

I had these at an outdoor event a long time ago. Here's what you need:

Root beer (whatever you brand you like)
Brats (I used the industry standard: Generic Store Brand Brats)
Stuff to cook it in like a pan
Some kind of heat source (I used a stove top)

So take the Brats out of the packaging and poke holes all over them. I used a combat knife because it's sharp and it's extra manly.

Next, poor some root beer into your pan and turn the stove on. How much root beer? Well I filled the pan half way up.

Now it's time to put the Brats in a pan and turn the stove on to medium heat. I know you're hungry but let the Brats soak up the root beer and cook a little longer. Use the medium heat man.

Okay once you've got the pigs in the pan, cover that thing up. You want to create a meat sauna out of that pan for the Brats. As they cook they'll soak up the root beer, creating a really nice sweet flavor.

Okay so now we wait. Let the Brats soak up the root beer and cook all the way through. How do you know when that's happened? Check them every now and then. Lift off the lid and poke around in there to check the insides. Cut slits in them with a knife to look inside. You want gray not pink. Another trick is to gauge the curl of the Brat. The curlier the more done.

Once you deem them done enough for your taste, remove them from heat and put them in buns. Add your own condiments to taste. I like ketchup, mustard, and Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ Sauce.

These brats are relatively quick to make and taste delicious. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.