The Cro-Magon's Bean Dip

Okay world, this recipe turns out some freaking awesome bean dip.

WARNING: make sure you have a friend or family member eat this with you, otherwise you won't be able to stop yourself from eating the entire thing. As good as this is going to taste, you don't want to eat the entire thing.

Here's what you need:

1 can of refried beans

Monterrey Jack Cheese

Fresh Salsa

Tapatio hot sauce

1/2 a package of cream cheese

For best results you're going to have to do some prep before you start cooking anything.
First shred the cheese. You want to shred a man sized fist amount of cheese. What's a man sized fist you ask? It's the size of your fist partially open as if it's holding a baseball. That's just one example of how we measure ingredients in the Cro-Magnon's kitchen y'all.
Next, remove the cream cheese from the box but keep it in its foil wrapper and cut it in half. Put the half you're not going to use back in the box and put it in the fridge.
Now you're ready to start cooking stuff. Empty the can of refried beans and it's accompanying juices into a pot.

Add about a finger tip's length of water to the pot. Don't ask me why, just do it.

Now turn up the heat on the stove (medium high) and start mashing the beans up with whatever heat resistant cooking utensil you can find. It's important to keep stirring the beans throughout the entire cooking operation. If you don't, they'll burn and stick to the bottom of the pot and you'll get in trouble with your wife.

Once you get the beans mashed up pretty good, go ahead and dump in that half block of cream cheese (make sure you take it out of the foil first), and mix it in. You may have to mash up the cream cheese as you mix it depending on how soft the cream cheese was when you added it to the beans. Don't worry though, it will start melting pretty fast once you put it in. REMEMBER TO KEEP STIRRING!!!

Once you have the cream cheese melted pretty good and mixed throughout the beans, add the cheese into the mix. KEEP STIRRING.

After the cheese is melted, add 3 heaping spoonfuls of fresh salsa. KEEP STIRRING.

Now that you've got the salsa mixed in good, it's time to add the secret awesome ingredient: Tapatio hot sauce.

Put in as much as you like. If you don't want it hot then don't put in a lot. KEEP STIRRING. Mix it all in until all you see is the creamy light brown of the beans.

When everything is mixed in nice, remove from heat, pour in a bowl, and enjoy!

My bean dip can be enjoyed hot or cold.

Now it's important to note that there are some alternative ingredients for those of you who don't like hot, spicy, picante, etc. bean dip. Instead of fresh salsa you can opt for a mild canned salsa like Pace Picante sauce or whatever generic brand is available. If even that's too spicy for you, go with good old Ketchup. It may sound gross using ketchup but you need that tomato flavoring in there for the end result. I've had it both ways and it's great either way. Lose the Tapatio too if you can't take the heat.

The Delgado Slim

All right, I want to thank Juan Carlos Yanez for working so hard 9 years ago to convince me to try his wonderful creation, which I have since named: The Delgado Slim.

Here's what you need people:

One hot dog (I used a ball park frank because they're endorsed by his airness himself Michael Jordan and yes, you will jump higher if you eat this hot dog).

One tortilla

Some cheese (I used medium Cheddar).

Ketchup.

First, select your dog and place it on a microwave safe plate. Microwave that frank for 30 seconds.

While you're microwaving the dog, shred some cheese.

When your dog comes out of the microwave it may look a little deformed, like when Bruce Banner turns into the Incredible Hulk. Don't worry it just makes it more manly and full of flavor that way.

Now take the dog and place it on the tortilla towards one side. Cover it with the shredded cheese and microwave the whole thing for 30 more seconds.

This may look weird but trust me, it's awesome.

Remove it form the microwave and add a line of ketchup parallel to the dog, roll that sucker up, and enjoy!

Now there is one known variation to the Delgado Slim. If you use Bar S brand Turkey Dog, it becomes a Gordo Fatty Monstro. I lived off of the Delgado Slim for 3 months in the bad part of El Paso Texas. I love this food!

Root Beer Brats

I had these at an outdoor event a long time ago. Here's what you need:

Root beer (whatever you brand you like)
Brats (I used the industry standard: Generic Store Brand Brats)
Buns
Stuff to cook it in like a pan
Some kind of heat source (I used a stove top)

So take the Brats out of the packaging and poke holes all over them. I used a combat knife because it's sharp and it's extra manly.

Next, poor some root beer into your pan and turn the stove on. How much root beer? Well I filled the pan half way up.

Now it's time to put the Brats in a pan and turn the stove on to medium heat. I know you're hungry but let the Brats soak up the root beer and cook a little longer. Use the medium heat man.

Okay once you've got the pigs in the pan, cover that thing up. You want to create a meat sauna out of that pan for the Brats. As they cook they'll soak up the root beer, creating a really nice sweet flavor.

Okay so now we wait. Let the Brats soak up the root beer and cook all the way through. How do you know when that's happened? Check them every now and then. Lift off the lid and poke around in there to check the insides. Cut slits in them with a knife to look inside. You want gray not pink. Another trick is to gauge the curl of the Brat. The curlier the more done.

Once you deem them done enough for your taste, remove them from heat and put them in buns. Add your own condiments to taste. I like ketchup, mustard, and Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ Sauce.


These brats are relatively quick to make and taste delicious. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.